Something I’m starting to realize more, as time goes on, is just how much I know my dad wants me to move on and continue living my life. If he were alive right now, he would continue to encourage me to keep good relationships with clients, spend time with my family, and take care of my business. He always wanted to make sure I didn’t have anything else important I could be doing instead of helping him out while he was sick, which is admirable…but I also had to tell him to stop worrying, he was just as much a priority as anything else.

What was hardest watching him die, besides seeing him in pain, was knowing I wouldn’t be able to see him or talk to him anymore. I was afraid of that so much. I wanted him to give me signs that he’s still around, and I’ve received them everyday since he’s been gone.

Maybe I should say since he left his body.

Yesterday, my mom was on the search for Mother’s Day gifts, and stumbled upon a website that did customized gifts. One particular item was a set of garden stones that could have names put on them. The name “Frank” has never been a common men’s name for display samples, and I’m pretty sure “Pat” has never been a common sample name for women either…but apparently, my dad wanted to screw with my mom because the sample image showed both of their names. How random could that be?

Maybe just as random as a photo assignment I received from a client earlier today. I haven’t taken any work from this client since we got the news my dad wasn’t going to get out of the hospital, and they said to let them know whenever I was ready to start taking assignments again. I just haven’t gotten back around to it yet, mostly because I’ve been busy trying to catch up on so many things, and I thought it could just wait.

So, this assignment I get is for a restaurant names “Frank’s Restaurant.” I’m pretty sure he wanted me to get off my ass and get back on with this particular client. In fact, I know that’s what he’s telling me. The garden stones yesterday made my jaw drop. I was at the gym when this photo assignment came thru, and I laughed out loud.

He keeps revealing himself to me, and I welcome it with open arms. I’ve never seen a ghost, that I recall, but I have felt there are spirits around. Some people claim to hear & see things, and I’ve always wondered why I couldn’t experience that. I have to say, I feel so connected to my dad right now 8 days after his “death,” it wouldn’t shock me at all if I heard his voice or witnessed an apparition of some kind.

And I’m ok with that. It doesn’t scare me.

I’ve never lost someone close like this before, aside from my grandparents. I don’t know why this is different. I’ve been told before that people who aren’t “ready” to experience those signs or connections won’t ever see them, because their mind subconsciously won’t allow it. That never sat right with me, because I can’t even being to count the number of hours I’ve spent in cemeteries, making photographs. I would have thought for sure that I’d see something.

While I haven’t “seen” my dad yet, I feel him. I know he’s got my mind at ease over his death, but I know he’s cancer-free now and healthier than he’s ever been. I always used to stop and think “what would my dad do?” in certain situations, and I feel like I know that answer before having to ask it now. He’s showing he’s still around, and I can honestly say I’m more than open to this. I hope it doesn’t stop anytime soon.

I know he’s laughing his ass off right now, having fun revealing himself to us all…and I’m having just as much fun when these signs appear.

Today is the first Monday since my dad is gone, and this evening will mark an entire week since he died. I’ve been thinking about him a lot this morning, and called my sister Christie to talk, only to have her answer the phone in tears. Talking to her candidly about how I had been thinking of him all morning, and general things about our kids & such seemed to calm her. This isn’t the first time I’ve talked her down from sadness or anger, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.

I haven’t cried since Friday, and have struggled a little bit with my feelings all weekend long. I feel like I’ve gotten some closure, and have questioned why I felt so at peace since placing him in the hearse. It’s not that I feel guilty for feeling “OK” with things, but I worry I’m setting myself up for disaster down the road. I don’t even know if that makes any sense or not.

I’m not numb like I felt last week. I’m not angry, nor have I ever felt angry. I do miss him badly, and while I will continue to mourn his physical passing, there’s something in me that says “It’s ok.” It’s like I know he’s around still, and all I need to do is be able to open myself up to realizing that to feel him.

A lot of people have told me I will come thru this with something gained from him, and I believe I know what that is. I don’t understand it, but I don’t think I’m supposed to. I’ve questioned it so much, because I just don’t know what I’m supposed to feel like. It’s such an unknown thing to me.

I called my mom yesterday, because I was worried I was in denial. She reassured me that I’m not, and that we all deal with these things differently. She also said that the calmness I feel about his death is him living thru me, and that will forever be a part of him I carry with me for the rest of my life. It’s my gift from him, to pass on to others.

My dad was always in control in situations…a think-before-acting person…always had a plan…always calm…and I’ve struggled to be that way much of my life. Growing up, I was always the short-fused one who let his emotions get the best of him. I can’t say how many times when I was younger I’d react before thinking, wishing I could take back my actions or words. I know getting older, it gets easier (for some) to shift that behavior, but I feel there’s more happening right now than just that.

I believe he’s revealed himself to me many times already, and I don’t think it’s just coincidence.

There was the clock at my gym, exactly 24 hours after he died. I had to push myself to go that day, when all I wanted to do was nothing.

There was that voice in the back of my head (and my wife’s) telling me I should get ready for that job on Wednesday evening, when all I wanted to do was bail out on it…because I know that’s what he would have done.

There’s the 4 calls for jobs I received on Thursday, signaling I need to get back to work, because that’s what he would want me to do.

There was that sudden feeling of peace after the funeral on Friday, and my being able to feel calm when talking to my sister when she was angry…which was tables being turned for us. My dad didn’t get angry often, and was able to look at things clearly for others.

There was a good friend bringing my favorite cookies to the playground for a playdate with our kids on Saturday.

There was that bee hovering around the flowers on the lemon tree yesterday. I tracked it with my iPhone, and managed to get a few decent shots of it as it pollinated the flowers.

I know that was him.

I’ve been at the hospital for nearly 24 hours now, and he’s still holding on. We’ve told him over and over it’s ok to go, we don’t want him in pain anymore…but I don’t know what he’s waiting for. He’s so weak, and yet he still fights. Honestly, I don’t understand how he’s doing it.

They’re giving him morphine on an hourly basis now. He sleeps a lot, with short, shallow breaths…and every now & then he raises his head up with wide eyes yelling. All we can do is continue to tell him it’s ok, and that we love him.

I’ve felt heartache in my life. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been upset. This is nothing like anything I’ve ever experienced.

I just want to take away his pain. At this point, I’d do almost anything to relieve him of this. He looks so scared, and he’s so helpless.

I’d like to think we’re comforting him, but it’s hard to comprehend that we really are.

The ironic thing I’m discovering is how much we regress in death…almost like going back to an infant-like state. A good friend who recently lost her father has been coaching me these last couple months, and helping prepare me for this.

She told me to hold his hand as much as I can.